RDI ah-ha moment for me.

Jake is still in a ugly place today. It is awful. It is breaking my heart. So dysregulated, running around the house in circles, lots of weird noises, extreme frustration over minor things that normally wouldn't bother him, absolute disobedience and making a huge scene when I am on the phone for a moment, etc. I hate these times. Hate them.

Anyway, one thing these types of issues does do is that they motivate me to find out what more I can do. I'm such a do'er. I want to do something to fix it. I know that I can't always have that control but even just reading, learning, thinking more gives me a sense of empowerment. So, that is what I have been doing. I feel like I have had a big ah-ha moment for me. I realize that both Susan and Dr. G have probably been explaining this to me all along, but I will admit that RDI is hard for me to grasp. It is very abstract in some respects and I am not a good abstract thinker. I like things to be very concrete. I loved loved loved the data tracking of ABA. That was so ME. I obviously have enough sense about me, though, to know that ABA wasn't going to cut it for Jake.

So, here's what I think I've figured out. I'm expecting Susan to read this and tell me I am an idiot and that I have it all wrong or why didn't I get this sooner, but I hope not. In a way, co-regulation is to RDI as compliance is to ABA. It is the foundation that the rest of the program builds on. I didn't fully understand co-regulation until I asked Susan the difference between coordination and co-regulation. Here is what she said, "Coordination is doing the same thing at the same time. Co-regulation is monitoring and anticipating what the other person is doing and then reacting to it in an appropriate manner to keep the interaction going. In co-regulation there are multiple roles and the roles switch. In coordination, the roles remain the same." So, as a parent who has been doing this for 1 1/2 years, one would think I would know that very well by now, but it has always stumped me to some degree. And when we were doing the old objectives it seemed very clear how you started out with emotion sharing then built referencing on top of it then built coordination on top of it then added variations on top of it. It seemed like a layered dessert. When we switched to the new objectives I was really thrown for a loop. I did not get it. And, I've spent the better part of the past 10 mos or so trying to embrace and understand how they layer. I *think* that emotion sharing is the most basic beginning of co-regulation. And, that adding all that stuff on top is adding elements of co-regulation to make it more sophisticated. So, in the new system I *think* it assumes that you know that co-regulation is your basis for every one of your objectives. That a co-regulatory state is the foundation and that the specific objectives are basically the added variations to the co-regulatory state to make it more sophisticated.

I knew that I needed to keep Jake engaged with me, although it is hard sometimes and sometimes I don't have the patience for it, but my ABA based brain still was stuck on that the point of that was more a function of compliance....even though I knew that RDI was not about compliance. It is about co-regulation. That I need to get him to a point where he is comfortable in co-regulatory states and they become second nature to him. So, I need to try to join him in a co-regulatory state as often as possible. If he is not comfortable in very frequent co-regulatory states then he will revert back to stimming, running circles, endless pretend play and movie talk, etc. He won't be motivated to engage others just because THEY want to. He won't be a people pleaser at all. If he learns to feel competent at ongoing co-regulation throughout life then he will begin to like it, love it, crave it (hopefully) and he will engage others on their terms and will be more of a people pleaser.

I messed up because I found myself thinking what do I "DO" with him? See, I knew in the old system what to DO with him....emotion sharing, referencing, coordination. I could always fall back to that. I *thought* those went by the wayside a bit with the new objectives. They didn't. But, I think it is more PRESUMED in the new system. I didn't get that. And, he would do things with me like laundry, dishes, whatever. I felt like his compliance was okay. So, I let him spend a lot of time playing with Lydia or by himself. Pretending out the whazoo. And certainly he has days where he is Mr. Co-regulation and seeing that interaction with me and others. But, other times he seems to not want much. That bothers me so much.

So, several months ago on RDI mid-Atlantic there was this discussion about the new objectives feeling very "ABA." I felt the same way. They felt very discreet. But, now that I am realizing that ongoing co-regulatory states all throughout the day is the base and the objectives are to be added to the base and incorporated into it, it makes so much more sense and doesn't seem like ABA at all. It is very uniquely RDI.

He isn't going to WANT to "pay attention," "listen," "talk to your friends," "respond when someone asks you a question every time," "stay with me and don't wander off," "watch where you are going," "stop the silly noises and movie talk," "behave," etc. until he is comfortable, really really comfortable with co-regulation. CAN he do all those? Oh sure. Absolutely. That is why I can catch what I want to on tape for Susan. He is capable but he doesn't feel very consistently competent. Not even close. But I think I've allowed his foundation to get weak. I need to strengthen it.

Heck, I may not have a clue what I am talking about now. I look forward to chatting with Susan on Friday.