Thinking outloud

Where do I begin? I just finished reading The Shack last week and it talked a lot about fractals. I think that is like my thought process about Jake, school, homeschool, Lydia's best interests in all of this, my best interests in all of this, the entire family's best interests in all of this. It is organized chaos. Maybe if I type it all out then it will begin to make some sense to me.

Point 1: School has been very rough this year. Jake has struggled to keep it together emotionally and behaviorally. The teacher he got this year, while she is a very nice woman and I enjoy the relationship I have built with her, has not been the best fit for him. She is pretty "old school" and rigid which definitely does not fare well with Jake. Academically Jake is at the very top of the class. No doubt about it.

Point 2: I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from this year. I have spent so much time up at school trying to be the one who mediates all of this. I grow very weary from getting hit with the minute details of every undesirable behavior from Jake as soon as I hit the room...either by his teacher or the other parents who all think they are helping. I understand that their intentions are good and I also would much rather be over informed than left out of the loop as would most likely happen if he were in public school, but it is DRAINING. All of those kids have their moments. I see it every day and I am up there literally every day. But, these people think they are being helpful.

Point 3: Jake's behavior issues very clearly (at least to me) stem from the fact that he doesn't interpret the social environment around him in as mature of a way as the other kids do. So, he gets overwhelmed, doesn't understand other's intentions, and becomes more rigid in his wants as an attempt to control the situation and try to get it back to where he can understand it fully. When he gets rigid on things that he can't have then the behaviors start. And then, usually, an adult tries to talk him through it. Have you ever heard Charlie Brown's teacher? "Waa, waa, waaaaa, wa, wa, waaaa, wa." That is what "reasoning with Jake" sounds like to Jake. There is ONE person who gets it up there. His PE teacher. His freaking PE teacher. She is tomboyish and not a girly girl. She is also a woman of few words. So, when he is having a hard time, she bends down to his level and puts her hand out and he often will just take her hand and melt into him. She gets it. He is overwhelmed from lack of full understanding. Not a bad kid.

Point 4: I can bring out the best in Jake. When he is with me and we are working on his school work and having fun, and hanging out, and playing he totally knows I get it. Somedays the days are so busy that we don't really get to the deep connectedness like that and those days are days where we both feel a bit defeated. Then, there are days that we get there and he just melts into me one time after another telling me how much he loves me. When Jake says he loves me there is so much more too it. It is so loaded. It is more like, "I love you mom. Thank you mom, THANK YOU MOM! I don't know what I would do without you mom because you are my rock. If I didn't have you for a rock I'd fall to pieces and they'd just punish me." Ok, now I'm crying. You can see it in his eyes. It is so much more than "I love you, mom."

Point 5: I have always thought about homeschooling and have, for a long time, felt I could do amazing things with Jake over the long haul if given the time and the opportunity to homeschool him.

Point 6: Lydia is my little sweet pea. And my sweet pea and I tend to butt heads because our personalities are so different. She is so extroverted and I am so introverted. It is hard. But, I feel like she has been jipped this year because I have had to give so much effort to trying to help Jake in kindy. I really want to focus on her best interests as a priority rather than just thinking "Lydia is typically developing, she'll be fine with anything."

Point 7: Jake's school is starting down a path to determine where they will fall in special needs education. Right now they have two older kids on the autism spectrum (both Asperger's). They have a little boy in 1st I think who has sensory issues, learning issues, speech delay, a lot of rigid behaviors, but isn't diagnosed with ASD. They have Jake in kindy. Then, they have a little girl with Down's syndrome in pre-K who was supposed to start kindy this year but a plan could not be agreed upon by the school and the parents. So, she is to start kindy next year. They also have a boy who just interviewed with his parents for kindy next year who has autism and according to the principal, sounds very very similar to Jake. She wants me to meet with them and her. Then, they have a family who just interviewed for their NT son to be in pre-K but have a younger son with Down's and they are asking about their options for him at this school. Apparently a meeting is happening today at noon to discuss the direction the school is heading in all this. And, I spoke with the principal the other day about these issues. She wants to be able to address this on a case by case basis but knows that additional resources will need to be in place. However, she admitted that it would be "easier" just to have a blanket "no" answer to these families. I almost started crying. I said to her, "Do you know how devastated I would have been if you had told me no without ever meeting my child?" She understood.

Point 8: The principal and others are all fully aware that I plan to homeschool Jake next year but he has been invited to do one or two subjects or whatever I feel is appropriate up at the school if we want him to. He can do core subjects or specials or whatever. It has been said that the door remains open for him at that school. They feel he is exceptionally bright and have asked me if I have had or plan to have his IQ tested. The principal said she wasn't sure that their curriculum (mostly Abeka) would be challenging enough for him.

Point 9: I do not care what his IQ is. I do not care if academics are easy for him and I have no plans to ramp it up to the point where he feels a high challenge. He has challenges in every other aspect of his life. I plan to let SOMETHING be easy for him if he is so blessed. He does however find school to be mundane and full of busy work (much how I felt as a student) b/c he catches on very quickly and doesn't need to practice the same concept over and over again. In homeschooling I can tailor it to him without making him feel overly challenged.

Point 10: Part of me would love to help develop this area of the school and give Jake and others a chance to have a school environment that really works with them.

Point 11: I'm tired of paving the way and going out on a limb. I made my point at the school district when I declined their services. I pushed hard for ABA within the school district preschool and that was not available for Jake but it became so the year after. I paved the way at the first preschool Jake attended for kiddos like Jake to be welcomed with open arms and a private para. I have paved the way at our gymnastics center for Jake to be successful there. I took over VBS at our church so that it could be a program where Jake could be successful. I really promoted RDI in Kansas City and tried to make people aware of that. I want Jake to be successful NOW in situations that are available NOW. I don't want to get myself involved in more stuff and take away from Lydia. I need to do some things for me (like find time to exercise and plan healthy meals). But, then part of me thinks, "Wow. What an opportunity."

Point 12: I am scared. We don't have any close homeschooling friends that live closeby. I am very introverted by nature but my deep seated desire to make Jake successful makes me force myself to go out and meet people. I want to meet a few moms that I really like with little boys Jake's age and little girl's Lydia's age so my kids have playmates. I'm very worried about that. That is the only aspect of homeschooling that concerns me.

Point 13: One of the Discovery therapists at Jake's school (his friend Grant's mom) is working really hard to get me to come on at the school as a Discovery therapist (which is mostly academic tutoring/remediation). That sounds fun too. But, I can't do that with 2 little kids.

Point 14: I am wondering if these opportunites to potentially be involved in the school's decisions about spEd and being a Discovery therapist are "temptations" that I am supposed to fight off to do what I am called to do (homeschooling).

Point 15: I wish the temptations would go away so that I can focus on what I feel is right for Jake. :-)

Point 16: I know Lydia would do great in public school (although can be a bit of a follower and so I am concerned by some of what I do not want her to follow), Jake's school (but I feel very strongly that it is too rigid and not developmentally appropriate for letting kids be kids), or homeschooling as long as I give her lots of social opportunities to meet that need of hers. I think homeschooling would build our relationship more. I can see Lydia trying to get too peer involved and homeschooling would help reign that in a bit. Thankfully I have a couple of years to decide for her and it will likely be clearer then....at least I hope.

Point 17: I want this school year to be over so that I can feel like the chains that I am walking around with can let go of me and give me some freedom.

Point 18: I could make that happen now by taking him out. But, in all this, I have the opportunity to teach him a VERY valuable life lesson.....Perseverence. I want him to learn and understand that even when things are hard you do not quit. That you follow through on what you have committed to. I tend to be too much that way. But, this time I feel it is appropriate. He is doing 1/2 days. I am there at the school to support him all the time. We can make it through for 7 more weeks.

Point 19: I need to keep my focus on what I feel is best for all of us. I need some freedom to let me be me, let Jake be Jake, time to develop my relationship with Lydia more, time to devote more to Craig without being stressed and feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I definitely feel homeschooling will best meet the needs of our family. I am sure that there will be days where I am out at the street corner begging the bus driver of those yellow busses to take my children to the nearest elementary school but overall I think homeschooling and controlled social experiences will be best for all of us.


Ugh. Glad I got that off my chest. Any and all advice is appreciated. :-)